Yesterday we went to a regular parent and child group in the car. Arte had negotiated that she would not wear her coat in the car as it "hurts" her, but when we arrived I set a limit that she put it on to walk to the group. I could have let it go, as it wasn't far to walk, but I preferred she keep her chest warm and I was feeling well resourced and unhurried, so I knew I could handle her releasing tension if she needed (and I knew she needed to after a hard week). She started crying and saying "No!". We got out of the car and I opened the boot and offered a different coat, just to make sure it was off track behaviour. She continued screaming and crying and saying she had two tshirts so it was ok. I got close and repeated that I needed her to wear a coat. I was concerned this could go on for a long time and we were out in the cold, so I brought the limit by saying we had to get into the car to continue our conversation. She refused to go in so I lifted her in and went to sit next to her. I would have preferred not to move her physically, but I felt it was necessary to keep her warm and safe until she had worked out her feelings We sat for an hour in the car, while she raged and I staylistened. Because she was stressed, she also took off her trousers and socks and I noticed myself feeling frustrated, but kept myself in check and reminded myself to trust she'd be able to wear them again when she felt better. At one point she climbed into the boot and found some wet trousers and asked if she could wear those instead. I held the limit "No love, they are wet, you need your dry clothes and your coat". At one point, crying slowed and I voiced how sad I was that she'd missed the songs; the part of the session she enjoys most. She began crying hard about this and I listened "I know, you love singing and we missed it, that's your favourite part". Shortly after that she found the second coat I offered and was suddenly delighted to see it had pockets she could put her coins in. She got dressed and we happily walked into the group an hour late. The playleader, on hearing Arte's disappointment, suggested to do the songs at the end instead of the beginning so it all worked out perfectly and I learnt that it doesn't always matter to be late!
Saturday, 6 December 2014
Thursday, 7 February 2013
Weaning ceremony
A little while ago I came to the decision to wean my 4.5 year old. Being a Breastfeeding Counsellor and someone who is convinced of the advantages of full term breastfeeding, it was not something I ever thought i'd do. But then I never thought that this would happen when he was 2.5 either:
He never really latched properly after he bit through his tongue, although he did start breastfeeding again some time after it happened, until my supply got very low during pregnancy with number 2. And recently he had been asking - almost harassing me for milk many, many times a day. And me feeling quite worn out with it and anticipating the painful latch, my response would be a sigh or a "Maybe later" or "Not now". And I felt so sad that this was the only response I could muster to my little chap's plea for connection. So I decided to give it one last week. During that week I embraced every request with a resounding "Yes, of course, I'd love to". I cherished each awkward feed, knowing it would be the last and feeling at the same time nostalgic and sad to let go of this baby phase. And at the end of the week we sat down and had a weaning ceremony. I pasted every breastfeeding photo of Zephyr into a large album and we sat and looked through them together. He sat in my lap, very sad and small and I told him all the things I had loved about breastfeeding him. Then he had a last feed, dressed as a tiger, of course. He was sad, I was ecstatic, I felt like a weight had lifted. And as the weeks have gone on since our ceremony, I have wavered about whether it was the "right" thing to do and he has asked me several times a day when we can talk about him breastfeeding again! He expressed a lot of sadness and anger and has been visibly in pain watching his sister feed. So this may not be the end after all. I haven't decided yet.
He never really latched properly after he bit through his tongue, although he did start breastfeeding again some time after it happened, until my supply got very low during pregnancy with number 2. And recently he had been asking - almost harassing me for milk many, many times a day. And me feeling quite worn out with it and anticipating the painful latch, my response would be a sigh or a "Maybe later" or "Not now". And I felt so sad that this was the only response I could muster to my little chap's plea for connection. So I decided to give it one last week. During that week I embraced every request with a resounding "Yes, of course, I'd love to". I cherished each awkward feed, knowing it would be the last and feeling at the same time nostalgic and sad to let go of this baby phase. And at the end of the week we sat down and had a weaning ceremony. I pasted every breastfeeding photo of Zephyr into a large album and we sat and looked through them together. He sat in my lap, very sad and small and I told him all the things I had loved about breastfeeding him. Then he had a last feed, dressed as a tiger, of course. He was sad, I was ecstatic, I felt like a weight had lifted. And as the weeks have gone on since our ceremony, I have wavered about whether it was the "right" thing to do and he has asked me several times a day when we can talk about him breastfeeding again! He expressed a lot of sadness and anger and has been visibly in pain watching his sister feed. So this may not be the end after all. I haven't decided yet.
Unschooling productivity!
Some days I just LOVE that we are unschooling. Today felt particularly successful. We had an improptu historical discussion in the car fueled by Zeph's insatiatble questioning... "Are those builders digging up ruins of old buildings under the ground when they lay the foundations?"... "Do archeologists need to come and put the things they find in their museums?"... "How many people used to live here in Roman times"..."How did they make all their things without factories and machines?" etc etc.
Then we had a good ramble with two other unschooling families that involved bikes and a playground, woods and wading through a river. This form of "socialisation" feels so much more natural when there are seven kids aged 4m to 7 years and three adults to support their immature communications and help them be safe.
After lunch Arte had a nap and Zeph was totally transfixed with his arithmetic game. His full focus was on doing sums for an hour and a half. It was such a joy to see how quick he is and how totally involved he was, because it was his choice to play the game. It was actually my concentration that dwindled long before his would have. This would never happen in school.
The kids horsed around with their daddy for a while and after that we got out all the instruments and leafed through a beautiful anthology we have of nursery rhymes. This is the only activity that both kids seem to really enjoy doing together at the moment. Today felt very wholesome and constructive and don't get me wrong there are many days where we do very little and sometimes I wonder if we are making some huge mistake, but I wanted to write this to come back to on those days.
Then we had a good ramble with two other unschooling families that involved bikes and a playground, woods and wading through a river. This form of "socialisation" feels so much more natural when there are seven kids aged 4m to 7 years and three adults to support their immature communications and help them be safe.
After lunch Arte had a nap and Zeph was totally transfixed with his arithmetic game. His full focus was on doing sums for an hour and a half. It was such a joy to see how quick he is and how totally involved he was, because it was his choice to play the game. It was actually my concentration that dwindled long before his would have. This would never happen in school.
The kids horsed around with their daddy for a while and after that we got out all the instruments and leafed through a beautiful anthology we have of nursery rhymes. This is the only activity that both kids seem to really enjoy doing together at the moment. Today felt very wholesome and constructive and don't get me wrong there are many days where we do very little and sometimes I wonder if we are making some huge mistake, but I wanted to write this to come back to on those days.
Sunday, 16 December 2012
New Boba
20 August 2012
A couple of weeks ago we left our Boba sling on the beach in Dorset. I was so sad when I realised because we have used that sling every day since Arte was born. It was like losing a limb and they are expensive to replace. I posted a message on Boba's facebook page saying how sad I had been. A day later, the Boba lady asked me to email her.
So I got in touch saying how sad I was and she responded with a voucher for 50% off a new sling! I sent a gushingly appreciative response. She replied asking whether I was in the US, as the code would only work there. When I said, no UK, she said "Ah well I'll just stick a complimentary one in the post then"!!!!
I even chose which lovely design I would like to have.
A couple of weeks ago we left our Boba sling on the beach in Dorset. I was so sad when I realised because we have used that sling every day since Arte was born. It was like losing a limb and they are expensive to replace. I posted a message on Boba's facebook page saying how sad I had been. A day later, the Boba lady asked me to email her.
So I got in touch saying how sad I was and she responded with a voucher for 50% off a new sling! I sent a gushingly appreciative response. She replied asking whether I was in the US, as the code would only work there. When I said, no UK, she said "Ah well I'll just stick a complimentary one in the post then"!!!!
I even chose which lovely design I would like to have.
Brave Zephyr
24 June 2012
Last week we went to Oxforshire and were playing in a playground. There were some older boys playing on the equipment, about 5 or 6 years old. They had obviously come together from school and were involved in a game together. As Zeph approached the equipment they shouted that he wasn't allowed to climb up. He ran back to me and asked whyand I responded that the playground is for all children to play in. He marched right back to them and said
"That's not true! That's not fair! I AM allowed!"
He began to climb up again and the ringleader protested that he had to be wearing school uniform tobe allowed. Zeph came back to me looking sad. Then suddenly an idea came accross his face. He ran to grab his much prized strawberries, he had just picked and ran off with fistfuls of them.
"Would you like a strawberry? Here you go.I'd like to make friends and play"
This touched me so deeply. He was able to resond to their meaness with his beautiful generosity of spirit. The boys continued to gang up against him, saying they'd already had strawberries, but I told Zephyr why I felt so proud of the way he had handled the sitiuation.
Last week we went to Oxforshire and were playing in a playground. There were some older boys playing on the equipment, about 5 or 6 years old. They had obviously come together from school and were involved in a game together. As Zeph approached the equipment they shouted that he wasn't allowed to climb up. He ran back to me and asked whyand I responded that the playground is for all children to play in. He marched right back to them and said
"That's not true! That's not fair! I AM allowed!"
He began to climb up again and the ringleader protested that he had to be wearing school uniform tobe allowed. Zeph came back to me looking sad. Then suddenly an idea came accross his face. He ran to grab his much prized strawberries, he had just picked and ran off with fistfuls of them.
"Would you like a strawberry? Here you go.I'd like to make friends and play"
This touched me so deeply. He was able to resond to their meaness with his beautiful generosity of spirit. The boys continued to gang up against him, saying they'd already had strawberries, but I told Zephyr why I felt so proud of the way he had handled the sitiuation.
Monday, 20 August 2012
Hi Mum,
I was thitnking about the difficulty you have with the way we are parenting and I thought of an analogy that might help. I think the reason I find your opinions exhausting to listen to is not because i'm not interested in what you have to say, it's more like as if i'm trying to learn chinese and you are commenting on my ability to speak chinese, based on your extensive knowledge of french. Whatever you say, however useful it would be IF I was trying to learn french, is just totally irrelevant to someone learning chinese. So it's a waste of both of our energy, which feels a shame.
I would however be so thrilled to have your input, in fact it would be a totally helpful, supportive force in my life, IF you could learn to speak chinese! So I guess what i'm saying is i'd love you to have opinions about how your grandchildren are raised, but only if you really understand what we are doing. I'm not interested in whether you think french or chinese is better, but very interested in any input you may have that supports my learning of chinese.
If you are interested I have several books I can lend you. And if you are not so interested that is absolutely fine too - you don't need to be. But I don't need any help with french. I already speak french more fluently than I want and am more interested in unlearning it so that I might learn chinese, so to speak.
Love you
x
I was thitnking about the difficulty you have with the way we are parenting and I thought of an analogy that might help. I think the reason I find your opinions exhausting to listen to is not because i'm not interested in what you have to say, it's more like as if i'm trying to learn chinese and you are commenting on my ability to speak chinese, based on your extensive knowledge of french. Whatever you say, however useful it would be IF I was trying to learn french, is just totally irrelevant to someone learning chinese. So it's a waste of both of our energy, which feels a shame.
I would however be so thrilled to have your input, in fact it would be a totally helpful, supportive force in my life, IF you could learn to speak chinese! So I guess what i'm saying is i'd love you to have opinions about how your grandchildren are raised, but only if you really understand what we are doing. I'm not interested in whether you think french or chinese is better, but very interested in any input you may have that supports my learning of chinese.
If you are interested I have several books I can lend you. And if you are not so interested that is absolutely fine too - you don't need to be. But I don't need any help with french. I already speak french more fluently than I want and am more interested in unlearning it so that I might learn chinese, so to speak.
Love you
x
Sunday, 22 July 2012
Rarite's Birthday
Zephyr went into a frenzy this morning. He does this when he gets inspired by something, much like his father and I do when an idea gets hold of us! Having been my birthday yesterday, he decided he was doing Rarite's (his soft rabbit) birthday.
He carefully wrapped a pair of pants and a nappy for his present and then went about making raw cupcakes with dried fruit and nuts, using the mill attachment of our hand blender. He was so involved in what he was doing that you could not make conversation with him all morning. He carefully presented a plate of beautifully decorated cup cakes and then meticulously ironed out a pile of rabbit printed napkins one by one, which had got crumpled. This was a rather involved process that required linning them up and folding into a book, standing on each one to press it out. The concentration was immense. The attention to detail was profound.
This is what I love about unschooling. Zephyr is able to follow his heart's desire whenever the inspiration hits him and because we are unbound by anyone else's agenda or timeframe, he can follow the flow of his creativity. It is beautiful to watch.
I took great care to stay out of his way and avoid praising him, even though I was brimming with enthusiasm for his project. I said "I saw how much attention you paid to making those cakes" and he responded "I filled them with love"!
He carefully wrapped a pair of pants and a nappy for his present and then went about making raw cupcakes with dried fruit and nuts, using the mill attachment of our hand blender. He was so involved in what he was doing that you could not make conversation with him all morning. He carefully presented a plate of beautifully decorated cup cakes and then meticulously ironed out a pile of rabbit printed napkins one by one, which had got crumpled. This was a rather involved process that required linning them up and folding into a book, standing on each one to press it out. The concentration was immense. The attention to detail was profound.
This is what I love about unschooling. Zephyr is able to follow his heart's desire whenever the inspiration hits him and because we are unbound by anyone else's agenda or timeframe, he can follow the flow of his creativity. It is beautiful to watch.
I took great care to stay out of his way and avoid praising him, even though I was brimming with enthusiasm for his project. I said "I saw how much attention you paid to making those cakes" and he responded "I filled them with love"!
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