Be your own guardian angel

I have discovered a superpower and I'm going to share so you can be a superhero too. Here it is... I can stop myself from freaking out! Good trick huh?
Last night, I was staying with a friend in Devon. As I snuggled down in bed I experienced the familiar meltdown my body goes into when it comes into contact with feather bedding. I noticed my throat closing, my ears become unbearably itchy and cascades of mucous filling my nose. I often have a pretty extreme reaction to feathers, dust or cats (my lips and eyes swell, I start wheezing, my head explodes with a thousand scratchy critters attacking me from the inside out), but this time I did something different.
I tapped my chest soothingly and spoke to my body
"Hey body, it's OK, you are just reacting to feathers, you're going to be alright, this is NOT an emergency, just fall into a deep sleep and relax, you'll be fine".
And guess what... the symptoms eased off and I slept pretty well! How cool is that? Bodies are remarkably obedient (I discovered this once when I told my son sternly to STOP bleeding and sure enough the gory pumping action ceased instantly).
Another triumphant moment was when I got uncontrollably triggered by my son attacking his sister. I wanted to whack him, but somehow managed to whisper to myself like a seraphim through the sound of blood pounding in my ears
"It's not an emergency, you're flooded, you need space, keep the children safe".
I closed the door on my son, telling him to calm himself and I'd be back, grabbed my shrieking, struggling daughter, chucked her into her room, put on an audiobook, went into my own room and closed the door. I rang my sister
"I'm overwhelmed, help me focus on my legs".
She asked me questions about how my legs were feeling and I returned to my body. I was calm and no-one got hurt, or frightened. Genius.
What I have found most helpful is remembering that when something feels like an emergency it most probably is not. If I can get back into regulation, everything feels manageable again. These examples might sound very minor to you, but what feels so exciting is that it means I get to be in charge rather than at the whim of my reactions. I get to choose how to direct my life energy.
Which situations tend to feel like emergencies in the moment for you? What secret code can you develop with yourself to stay lucid in these episodes?

What if you spoke to yourself the way you speak to your kid?

I was walking up a long, beautiful hill in the wilderness today, with my reluctant 3 year old in tow. She was shivering and taking a few little steps at a time. About halfway up the hill she started screeching "I'm too tired" and "I can't walk" over and over.  

When the black clouds opened and spewed hail into the blasting winds, I held her frozen little hand and she huddled under my long coat . Although part of me shared her concerns about how I'd get a weary, icy Lausbub up the hill, what I said was things like "I know, the top looks so far away...You feel like you can't go on... You are doing so well... You'll make it... Just one step at a time... Look how far you've already come".

And suddenly, listening to her words of doubt screaming on repeat, I felt like I was hearing my own voice. The 3 year old in me that feels "I can't do it" or "I'll never get there" about pretty much anything long and hard that I do. And it struck me... what if I spoke to myself with such calm, patience and reassuring authority?

I've previously been far more likely to agree with my inner doubting 3 year old, or worse, lay on heavy criticism. When I imagine how ineffective/damaging it would be to speak to my daughter like that, it pains me to think how I've done that to myself for so many years. Unfortunately my mother didn't have capacity to encourage me like that, so her rather more critical influence has become my internal voice. I'm pledging to replace that with my own kind mummy voice from now on.

7 Tried and Tested Mastitis Remedies That Worked for Me

7 Tried and Tested Mastitis Remedies That Worked for Me

Few breastfeeding challenges are more sudden or painful than mastitis. Unfortunately, mastitis and I go way back. I had two tongue-tied babies, both of whom had trouble latching properly, and I endured several sprees of recurrent mastitis. I can remember being held down, delirious with fever, screaming in pain, by three women who latched my baby for me and kept him feeding to try to get the blockage out.

I tried everything to cure mastitis, from drugs to home remedies. Here’s what I learned and the solutions that worked for me.

What Causes Mastitis?

Mastitis is an inflammation caused by a blocked milk duct. It’s characterised by a red patch on the breast, breast pain and flu-like symptoms. Your milk can get backed up for various reason:

• Your baby’s latch could be ineffective, so it doesn’t clear all the milk.
• You could go a prolonged period between feeds due to separation of mother and baby, initiating routine feeds, or sudden breast refusal or weaning.
• One of your milk ducts could be compressed by too-tight clothing or underwired bras.

If the mastitis is related to latching issues, then these need to be addressed first. Sometimes ‘laid back’ positions can help you achieve a deeper latch. If you have consistent issues latching, get support from a Breastfeeding Counsellor for ideas and to rule out an underlying cause such as tongue tie. If you have an older baby, you may just need to pay extra attention when latching, particularly if they are teething or going through a developmental leap.

But sometimes, a mastitis case has a deeper cause. Often, it’s a physical expression of an underlying emotion. Mothers tend to get it when they feel run down and that they have given too much of themselves. In our culture, breastfeeding is considered ‘draining’ on the mother, and the nuclear family is expected to function without outside help. It’s easy for mothers to start feeling burdened.

One way to work on this is to shift your focus from how much you are giving (or how few of your own needs are being met), to an attitude of receiving. When you breastfeed, pay particular attention to being present and really receiving your baby’s love. Can you remember how intensely you loved your mother as a small child? Your child is giving you that much love all the time, especially when they feel connected to you during breastfeeding. It’s easy to miss this when you’re caught up with all the chores that need doing, so make sure you are receiving as much love as you are giving. Babies give love through their unwavering eye contact and gentle caressing of your skin. Allow yourself to fully enjoy how happy your baby becomes when they are breastfeeding.

How Can You Treat Mastitis?

A mastitis inflammation can turn into infective mastitis, which is a bacterial infection with exactly the same symptoms that can be treated with antibiotics. Unfortunately, antibiotics (which are usually the first port of call for GPs) can lead to other breastfeeding issues such as thrush. You can’t be certain whether antibiotics are the appropriate treatment without sending off a milk sample for analysis. But there are many other ways to treat mastitis that don’t impact your gut health, so it’s worth giving them a go before contacting a GP.

Here are seven tried and tested home remedies for mastitis that I’ve found effective:

1. Rest. Stop what you are doing. Find someone to take care of your kids. Go directly to bed. Do not stop at the washing up/laundry monster/playroom floor. You get mastitis when you are run down and feeling burdened, and if you ignore the signals, your body will soon enforce bed rest by developing the shakes, a high fever and delirium. You can go from fine to shivering in less than half an hour, so don’t try to finish one more thing. Rest now.
2. Support your immune system by dosing up on (good quality, food-sourced) Vitamins C, D and B, and magnesium. These support your body as it works to eliminate toxins.
3. Try supplements such as fish oils or a medicine like ibuprofen, both of which are anti-inflammatory. You can also take soy lecithin, which is an emulsifier and helps break down the fat in the blockage.
4. Take 30c of homeopathic phytolacca and belladonna every couple of hours.
5. Keep feeding frequently to shift the blockage — otherwise you risk the block developing into an abscess. The most effective position is to point the baby’s chin toward the blockage, even if that means having your baby feeding from over your shoulder. Or you can opt for the somewhat less glamorous dangling position (where you lie your baby flat on their back and kneel over them with the sore part aligned to their chin) which also uses gravity to aid the release of the blockage. My firstborn’s midwife, Jane Evans, suggested that the best way to clear a blocked duct is to use your partner’s powerful adult suck. (It’s a rare man who will suck a mouthful of blood and pus, but I can vouch that they do exist!) If your baby is not interested in feeding or is unable to latch effectively, you need to express as much as possible, using gentle massage, warm flannels or a hot shower.
6. Use naturopathic treatments such as a castor oil, potato or tumeric compress. Follow up with an Epsom salt soak, which can effectively draw out the blockage. These treatments are also good for a blocked duct or bleb (a small milk “blister” in the end of the nipple).
7. Wear cabbage leaves. Crush them a little to get the juices out, then place inside your bra.

If you’re suffering recurrent episodes of mastitis, you may need to do some deeper work to shift it. Working on your inner child can help, particularly if the needs of your inner child are being triggered by you having to meet those of your real life child. I managed to end a severe bout of recurring cases by doing a Family Constellations workshop, in which I discovered how my grandmother had never wanted to be a mother or felt that she was up to the job. You may also need to rearrange your life so that your duties are manageable and there is space to slow down.

The good news is, you can end recurrent bouts of mastitis. If you listen to your body and try to discover the deeper cause, mastitis can be the catalyst that teaches you to be more balanced, practice self-care, and remember the joyful aspects of breastfeeding.

An anecdote for Setting Limits and Staylisten​ing

Yesterday we went to a regular parent and child group in the car. Arte had negotiated that she would not wear her coat in the car as it "hurts" her, but when we arrived I set a limit that she put it on to walk to the group. I could have let it go, as it wasn't far to walk, but I preferred she keep her chest warm and I was feeling well resourced and unhurried, so I knew I could handle her releasing tension if she needed (and I knew she needed to after a hard week). She started crying and saying "No!". We got out of the car and I opened the boot and offered a different coat, just to make sure it was off track behaviour. She continued screaming and crying and saying she had two tshirts so it was ok. I got close and repeated that I needed her to wear a coat. I was concerned this could go on for a long time and we were out in the cold, so I brought the limit by saying we had to get into the car to continue our conversation. She refused to go in so I lifted her in and went to sit next to her. I would have preferred not to move her physically, but I felt it was necessary to keep her warm and safe until she had worked out her feelings We sat for an hour in the car, while she raged and I staylistened. Because she was stressed, she also took off her trousers and socks and I noticed myself feeling frustrated, but kept myself in check and reminded myself to trust she'd be able to wear them again when she felt better. At one point she climbed into the boot and found some wet trousers and asked if she could wear those instead. I held the limit "No love, they are wet, you need your dry clothes and your coat". At one point, crying slowed and I voiced how sad I was that she'd missed the songs; the part of the session she enjoys most. She began crying hard about this and I listened "I know, you love singing and we missed it, that's your favourite part". Shortly after that she found the second coat I offered and was suddenly delighted to see it had pockets she could put her coins in. She got dressed and we happily walked into the group an hour late. The playleader, on hearing Arte's disappointment, suggested to do the songs at the end instead of the beginning so it all worked out perfectly and I learnt that it doesn't always matter to be late!

Weaning ceremony

A little while ago I came to the decision to wean my 4.5 year old. Being a Breastfeeding Counsellor and someone who is convinced of the advantages of full term breastfeeding, it was not something I ever thought i'd do. But then I never thought that this would happen when he was 2.5 either:

He never really latched properly after he bit through his tongue, although he did start breastfeeding again some time after it happened, until my supply got very low during pregnancy with number 2. And recently he had been asking - almost harassing me for milk many, many times a day. And me feeling quite worn out with it and anticipating the painful latch, my response would be a sigh or a "Maybe later" or "Not now". And I felt so sad that this was the only response I could muster to my little chap's plea for connection. So I decided to give it one last week. During that week I embraced every request with a resounding "Yes, of course, I'd love to". I cherished each awkward feed, knowing it would be the last and feeling at the same time nostalgic and sad to let go of this baby phase. And at the end of the week we sat down and had a weaning ceremony. I pasted every breastfeeding photo of Zephyr into a large album and we sat and looked through them together. He sat in my lap, very sad and small and I told him all the things I had loved about breastfeeding him. Then he had a last feed, dressed as a tiger, of course. He was sad, I was ecstatic, I felt like a weight had lifted. And as the weeks have gone on since our ceremony, I have wavered about whether it was the "right" thing to do and he has asked me several times a day when we can talk about him breastfeeding again! He expressed a lot of sadness and anger and has been visibly in pain watching his sister feed. So this may not be the end after all. I haven't decided yet.

Unschooling productivity!

Some days I just LOVE that we are unschooling. Today felt particularly successful. We had an improptu historical discussion in the car fueled by Zeph's insatiatble questioning... "Are those builders digging up ruins of old buildings under the ground when they lay the foundations?"... "Do archeologists need to come and put the things they find in their museums?"... "How many people used to live here in Roman times"..."How did they make all their things without factories and machines?" etc etc.
Then we had a good ramble with two other unschooling families that involved bikes and a playground, woods and wading through a river. This form of "socialisation" feels so much more natural when there are seven kids aged 4m to 7 years and three adults to support their immature communications and help them be safe.
After lunch Arte had a nap and Zeph was totally transfixed with his arithmetic game. His full focus was on doing sums for an hour and a half. It was such a joy to see how quick he is and how totally involved he was, because it was his choice to play the game. It was actually my concentration that dwindled long before his would have. This would never happen in school.
The kids horsed around with their daddy for a while and after that we got out all the instruments and leafed through a beautiful anthology we have of nursery rhymes. This is the only activity that both kids seem to really enjoy doing together at the moment. Today felt very wholesome and constructive and don't get me wrong there are many days where we do very little and sometimes I wonder if we are making some huge mistake, but I wanted to write this to come back to on those days.

New Boba

20 August 2012

A couple of weeks ago we left our Boba sling on the beach in Dorset. I was so sad when I realised because we have used that sling every day since Arte was born. It was like losing a limb and they are expensive to replace. I posted a message on Boba's facebook page saying how sad I had been. A day later, the Boba lady asked me to email her.
So I got in touch saying how sad I was and she responded with a voucher for 50% off a new sling! I sent a gushingly appreciative response. She replied asking whether I was in the US, as the code would only work there. When I said, no UK, she said "Ah well I'll just stick a complimentary one in the post then"!!!!
I even chose which lovely design I would like to have.